Destiny of Darkness
by ViciousWolfie
Summary: Ashram and his reflections and regrets regarding Pirotess as he falls into darkness. Oneshot.


**Author's Notes: **Record of Lodoss War (the OAV) was one of the first animes I saw, but before I ever did, I was completely and uterlly obsessed with the character of Ashram. He was pretty, he was evil, and he was really really cool! Then of course, I saw it, and that made it even worse, and ever since I did, I've been dying to write a fanfiction that brings he and Pirotess back, because they were so much cooler than Parn, who I hated. Grr... Argh...

So anyway, this is the first part, though I'm not sure how long it's going to end up being. ; Enjoy!

Dedicated as always to Peri for being such a great writing buddy and friend and all that great jazz that is she, and also to Bill who half made me write this. Ooh! The poem I wrote myself, it's all crappy, because I'm not a poet, and I think "postulates" is one of the greatest words ever, thanks to Sun Tzu.

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**Destiny of Darkness**

_Characters, Places, etc. © Record of Lodoss War and not me._

_I wish I knew how to let this go._

Gold glittered faintly in the faded blue light, shimmering in stark contrast against the black of my bloodstained glove. I stared down at it, unaware of the broken and lost expression that had etched itself upon my face, no longer caring who saw me, no longer caring for Lodoss or the world. I could not move for the longest time, staring down at the gold that should have the bright and stainless halo around the head of an angel. I could not breath, my heart somehow choking me, blocking the air in my throat as it died.

Pirotess…

I gasped, reality crashing down upon me as I felt the cold hands closing tighter around my throat. My vision was going black around the edges, and I struggled weakly in the powerful grip. A vicious grin had etched itself in my vision and my eyes were wide with panic as Wagnard's cruel claws tightened about my skin. I was dying, and yet I did nothing, could do nothing, could feel nothing. My mind was screaming in desperation and then, at a distance, I could feel the sword in my hand, its heavy weight almost reassuring. Power swirled from its blade and with a desperate howl I forced it through Wagnard's flesh, watching in satisfaction as his cruel face fell away from me.

I fell to my knees, holding onto the Demon Blade just to keep myself standing, aware that my muscles were shaking with the strain.

I wanted to laugh, wanted to cry, but there was nothing of strength left in me.

I did not see what happened next. I didn't truly care anymore, because the face that was still frozen in my vision was hers, and the voice that still rang in my mind was hers, and yet I had only my sword to hold me as I kneeled, feeling the strength fleeing my body. "Destiny of Darkness…" I chuckled softly; hearing the harsh and ragged words as they fell from my lips like tears, but not feeling myself speaking them. It was getting harder to feel much of anything, and there was so much black around my vision that I could see little.

Sudden, wracking coughs shook my body, and I saw blood dripping to the floor.

And then I was falling again.

_It shouldn't be this hard to say goodbye_

_When there's nothing to say goodbye to._

They were both dead.

I stood at the window, staring out into the stormy sky, but my thoughts would no longer focus on the blade in my hand. Sweat trickled down my back from hours of practice as I struggled to control the powers of the Demon Blade, but the memory of Beld and Fahn's death still hung in my head like a shadow that would not fade. I felt somehow as if I had failed my liege, as if there should have been something more I could have done for the man who had been the closest thing to a father as I'd ever had. For a moment, weariness shone on my face, and I slumped over the blade, breath heavy and shallow.

I was so tired of this. I was so tired of the fighting and the death that I had been causing all my life.

But a man had to have something to live for, and the conquest of Lodoss was all I had left.

"My Lord Ashram?" There was a soft voice behind me, muffled by the door, but I knew her voice anywhere. I swallowed, forcing my back to straighten and the coldness to return to my face. I could afford to show no weakness to anyone, especially not her. I couldn't say why I cared so much that she not see that I was just as frail and as human as anyone else, but the thought grated on me as nothing else could.

"Come in," I snapped, striding across the cobblestone floor to seat myself in a chair, letting the point of the Demon Blade rest on the ground beside me. I focused on the weapon for moment, studying its stainless blade, though I knew it was tainted with the blood of countless numbers, and I knew the red eye that stared back at me reflected the strength and vicious spirit required to wield such a weapon. My eyes narrowed as I gazed upon its surface, feeling the power that coursed through its metal. It had failed Beld, but I doubted the man had seen the true potential behind such a sword.

"It is a beautiful sword," came a soft voice, and I raised my gaze, seeing the dark elf that stood before me now.

I hated the way my heart leapt every time I saw her, dark skin framed by flowing white hair, with a halo glittering upon her forehead. She was dark and beautiful all at once, with a fierceness of spirit that few had seen, and a strange gentle-nature witnessed by even fewer. Most saw her as cold and detached, caring for nothing and no one, barely even her own people, but I saw something in her that reflected my own soul, and it terrified me.

I could not afford to care for anyone.

"It is just a tool," I said, turning my cold gaze to her golden eyes.

_All that I loved is gone._

She smirked, and I wondered what it was that had brought her here. With Beld dead, she and her people no longer had a reason to follow us. The battle had been lost, with it, possibly the war, and for a moment my eyes fell away, feeling a strange sort of despair. I would keep fighting, because it was what I did best, but in the end, would it truly gain me anything? I held no thirst for vengeance, because there was nothing worth striking against except Lodoss itself. King Fahn was dead, King Kashue meant little to me, and the boy Parn was hardly worth wasting thoughts upon.

I glanced up, remembering the elf's presence. When I spoke, my voice was cold. "Why are you here, Pirotess?"

She smiled, and I felt my heart beat faster at the vision, walking slowly and gracefully around the table, letting her gloved fingers wander across its surface. "Because I swore loyalty to you, My Lord Ashram, not to King Beld."

The words took a moment to sink in, and I found them surprising, though it did not show on my face. I could not understand why someone such as her would swear loyalty to one such as me, but I had never truly questioned it before because I had desired her aid, no matter the reasons. Now however, I could not fight the confusion and the questions that were rising in me. I had to gather all of Marmo under my control. I could not afford to be distracted.

"Why?"

She looked up at the question, and the smile faded, replaced by an emotion I could not name. She brushed white hair from her face, swallowing nervously, though it seemed wholly uncharacteristic of her. Her soft footsteps brought her over before me, and she held her head up, so full of the pride I had come to associate with her, focusing golden eyes upon me. "Because you are the only man of any race who has ever been worthy of my allegiance. You are a man unlike any others, and I will follow you alone to my death." She hesitated for a moment, before she continued in a quieter tone. "And because you are the only man worthy of my love."

I stared at her, feeling a distant panic rising in me, my heart thundering against my chest, though none of my emotions showed on my face. I swallowed hard, rising slowly to my feet, gazing down at her as the words truly sunk in. There were a thousand things I wanted to say, a thousand things I could have said, but they all stuck in my throat and would not pass my lips. I couldn't afford to let her in, even when she gazed up at me with those golden eyes that were so full of everything I wanted.

I hardly heard the words that finally fell from my lips, but I knew they were cold.

"Love is an emotion that postulates only weakness."

_All that I needed left me long ago._

A flicker of pain and sadness flew across her face, before it was gone, replaced by the same cool expression she always wore, but it was enough to wound me. I had hurt her, I could see it even now in her eyes, and yet a part of me could not care. I had said what I had to, as cold and as cruel as it was, and though it killed whatever was left of my heart, I believed it had to be done. I could not afford love. I somehow believed she would leave now, taking her dark elves and her allegiance with her, but at least I would suffer no more distractions, even though I could not deny the sorrow that filled me at the thought. I had been alone all my life, why should it pain me now?

I was surprised when she stepped closer to me, but I did not move, even as one slim hand rested on my pale face. I ignored the quickening of my heart, and ignored the chills that her touch sent through my veins. "Oh Ashram…" Her voice caressed my name, letting it spill from her full lips like poetry, even as tears began to glaze her eyes. "You may rule Marmo now, you may be the Black Knight, but are you not also a man?" she whispered.

I opened my mouth to answer her, but only her name came out. "Pirotess…"

She did not wait for whatever else I had to say, pushing herself up on her toes until her lips met mine. I stepped back in surprise, one hand bracing myself on the table as she kissed me, searching for an answer to an unasked question. She wanted me to love her, but I could not give her that, no matter how badly I wanted to. For a moment, my other hand rested on her lower back, and I let her kiss me, let myself feel just once what it was to be loved, before I slowly pushed her away.

"I can't be what you want," I said softly.

There were tears glittering in her eyes, and she smiled faintly, nodding and bowing to me. She said nothing to me, turning around with a swirl of white hair and walking away, her posture stiff and graceful, not a hint of the pain I had inflicted on her reflecting in her movements. Yet she paused at the door, turning back only once, her gloved white hand on the wooden surface. "But tell me," she whispered. "Can you be what you want either?"

I had no answer for her, and she smiled once before she closed the door softly behind her.

_All that I wanted was dying in her eyes._

_So I should know better how to let this go._

The world was shattering around me, and through darkening vision I could see rocks exploding from the earth around me. My eyes focused on the Demon Blade, so close to me, and yet I did not have the strength to reach out to it, to summon the power that rested within its bloodstained surface. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry, I wanted to go back and change all the things I had done that had led me to this point, and yet I could think of no more fitting end for Ashram, the Black Knight, than this. I thought back to my life, and there seemed no redeeming point in my entire existence.

Somewhere in the distance, I heard screaming.

A part of me hoped the boy would save his love, as I could not do for Pirotess.

But I was still the Black Knight, and the other part of me wished bitterly that they too would die and fall into darkness as I had. Then I closed my eyes, and shut out the world that was dying around me. I ignored the world as it crumbled and fell away around me and ignored the screaming and the roaring that thundered like the gods over my head. I ignored the weakness in my flesh and the blood that stained the ground I had fallen upon. I ignored the summons of the Demon Blade and I ignored the god that was awakening somewhere in the ground below me.

I let myself fall away into madness.

I let myself drown in the knowledge that mine was a destiny of darkness.

_I would give anything for a second chance_

_But I wonder if the words would come_

I was deafened by the sound of screaming.

Above me, Shooting Star thrashed and howled in rage and fury, huge gouts of flame exploding from the dragon's mouth as vicious roars echoed in the cavern. Madness glinted in his eyes, and I could not help the smile on my face as I held it in my thrall with the Scepter of Domination. This was the key to the conquest of Lodoss. The dragon was the tool that would bring the world under my control, under the control of Marmo as I had fought my entire life for. I could not help the laughter that lit up my face as the flames exploded around me, yet none even brushed my black armor.

The world would fall.

And it would be my doing.

My laughter faded as flames surrounded me again, this time more powerful than before. I braced myself against the dragon's fury, holding the Demon Blade and the Scepter of Domination before me, letting the white surround me. I could feel its heat through my armor, yet none of it touched me, and I felt the faint smile crease my face again.

I was not sure what happened next, but I saw the hatred in Shooting Star's eyes as a vicious scream escaped the dragon's throat, and I felt rocks strike me as the dragon tore the cave apart in his fury. I held the Scepter before me, and saw more white flames striking the rocks as they tumbled down around me. A flash of white caught my attention, and I saw Pirotess then, for a moment shrouded in a halo as her long hair whipped around her face. She cried something, and I shouted at her to move, but she did not, and in the next moment I watched horrified as she was struck, her slim form sent tumbling off into space.

For a moment, I could only stand and stare, watching her beautiful face contorted in pain, blood trickling from her lip as she tumbled from grace.

Then I was moving, before I was even aware of it, the Scepter of Domination slipping from a black-gloved hand as I threw myself forward. My heart was thundering in panic, but the next moment I felt her hand in mine, jerking her to an abrupt stop. Bright eyes, now a purple sheen, looked up at me in surprise, for a moment her gaze locked on mine, seeing my bleeding heart etched into the features of my face.

She knew. She knew what I could not get myself to say.

The part of me that was still the Black Knight of Marmo wanted to be bitter that I had dropped the Scepter of Domination for her, but I did not have it in me. For the moment, all I could see was her eyes, shining brightly in the flames that were still razing the cave ceiling, ignoring the world as it fell to pieces around us. I realized slowly that I no longer cared so much what happened, because if she died, a part of me would die with her, a part that I was no longer so willing to sacrifice. A faint smile drifted across my face, and then I focused on pulling her up.

She did not say anything.

Around us, the world fell apart.

_If I was faced with her again_

_Would I have the strength to hold on?_

The first thing I noticed was the heat.

It seared the air around me, cutting through the world in a blazing shower of heat and light that tore rocks to shreds and was ripping through the world. The fierce white light blinded me, and I held my arm up before my eyes, waiting for the fire to steal my life away, waiting for it to melt my armor to my skin and let me die in a screaming mess of humanity. I had never before felt death quite so close as I did in this moment, and I smirked, bracing myself for the end I was sure was coming. I had so many regrets left to me, so many things I wish I had done or had the strength to stop.

I wished there wasn't quite so much blood on my conscience.

The fire swept around me in curving arcs, and for a moment I was surprised, expecting to be dying by now, and yet the blaze I had anticipated did not come. My eyes rose, and shock filled me as I saw Pirotess, always Pirotess, who stood before the flames, one arm flung out as she summoned all her power to keep the fire from me. She was killing herself, to save me, and I could do nothing but stand there and stare, for in a second, it was over, and she stumbled slightly. There was a smile on her face, the one that confirmed everything she'd ever said to me.

But the truth was, I wasn't worthy of her love.

She gasped then, falling forward, and I caught her, surprise and despair etched on my face.

She couldn't die. For the first time, the horrid fear that had lain hidden in my heart now choked me with the knowledge that it could become a reality. She was a dark elf, an immortal, a creature that was beyond death, beyond pain. My arms were shaking, as I held her, not wanting to face the possibility that I feared so. Her arms were weak as she held onto me for support. "For the conquest of Lodoss…my Lord…" she whispered, her voice weak. I felt her slumping into my grip, and I pulled her closer to me, remembering her lips on mine. I wished now that I had said half the things I felt when I'd had the chance.

"Pirotess…" I whispered.

It was the only word that would come to me.

_I've been falling for so long_

_I'd forgotten what it felt like to hit the bottom._

I heard her gasp slightly at the sound of her name on my lips, and it was comforting to know that she yet lived. I held her close, even as I felt the breath expel from her body, felt her grow limp in my arms as she collapsed. The air was no longer flowing in and out of her lungs, and I felt despair choke me with the knowledge of what I had lost. Around us, the rocks began to break and shatter, jutting up sharply from the ground. Yet I could feel none of the pain or the heat around me as we slipped away into darkness. I was no longer even aware of Shooting Star's presence. All that existed to me now was Pirotess.

She didn't deserve this.

She had deserved so much more.

I closed my eyes as we fell into darkness, not feeling my body strike the rocks or the pain that accompanied it. I cared nothing for the screams that still rang over my head, or the enemies I still knew were around me. If I had wanted to, I could have saved myself, but all that mattered now was that the only one who'd ever loved me was dead in my arms. I couldn't let go of her, as if doing so would truly kill her, and take away any memory I had left of her.

I wish I could have been more for her.

_I've cried tears of crimson_

I wish I'd told her once that I loved her.

_But in the end, I've only bled my life away._

I wish I had been stronger.

_It shouldn't be so hard to say goodbye_

I wished a thousand more things, a thousand more regrets clouding my mind.

_When all that I needed was dying in her eyes._

But in the end…

_It shouldn't be so hard..._

I was still only human.

_I wish I knew how to let this go._


End file.
